I feel pretty stripped right now. I feel bare. Exposed. Empty. Vulnerable. Exhausted. Depressed. Much like my house as is shown in the photos below. I’ve been wrestling with these feelings because I keep telling myself I “should” handle this move/displacement better (I had to pack up my house in about a weeks’ time after living there for eighteen years due to a massive, much needed remodel.) Do you ever “should” on yourself?
As I was having a royal weep-fest last week, in a parking lot of all places, my Bean said something very insightful about my meltdown(s). The past two weeks have been chaotic, stressful, exhausting. I noticed a knee-jerk reaction when I am in chaos. During a time of chaos, I always go to a dark place of feeling abandoned, alone, not cared for, not looked after, etc. Bean gently reminded me that it goes back to past hurts. Times in my life when chaos ruled and I did not feel cared for and even felt neglected or ignored.
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| This is our house as of November 5. |
Another thing I noticed is that I don’t allow myself room to grieve and go through hard times. As I said, I “should” on myself. I should be grateful, I should be stronger, I should be whatever-the-hell-I-am-not-doing-that-I-should-be-doing. I don’t validate that I am going through a hard time. I AM GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME! Why do I measure what I am going through compared to someone else’s struggles and decide my struggle isn’t as bad or not as hard? I do that to myself and I find others do it too. It’s rare to find someone who will validate the struggle. Heck, I can’t even validate it myself half the time. But no more.
Right now, I am sitting in my sorrow. I am exploring those painful knee-jerk reactions. I am giving myself permission to cry and grieve and feel the pain. I am embracing the feelings I am going through, not believing they are entirely true but they are indeed real. I am gracing myself. I am telling the guilt to shut the cuss up. I am giving myself permission to receive when my modus operandi is to give. And I am not giving myself a time limit to go through these things, either.
This is a pretty vulnerable post and I will probably be snotting into a tissue instead of being able to comment on your comments but know they mean the world to me.
meg on tap 
Dear frinend,
Thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing your heart. You are not alone in these feelings. I am in a very similar season myself and often feel very alone in the sadness. I even feel guilty for feeling these feelings, like if I were a “real” Christian I would rejoice in every season and always find the things to be thankful for. I often find myself on the verge of tears, but then stopping myself from spilling the tears in an effort to “be content in all circumstances.” Sometimes it has nothing to do with being content and everything to do with mourning the loss of a season or a dream etc. I'm praying for you and my home is your home, even if my home will not be mine much longer.
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Thank you, Tammy, for your words. I hate that we don't allow ourselves to feel the pain. it's real and its okay. I am praying for you as i have been over the past months.
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Beautiful and real. Praying for you as you find compassion for yourself. Holding you gently before the Father.
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thanks, love! I count on it! 😉
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friend I had no idea and I'm glad you were able to share your real honest feelings here in this space. I'm happy to take the time and read about what's happening in your life right now. I can lift you up in prayer and I can look forward to what good is in the future for you, when everything is back in place and you feel at home once again. I love that you are open to the growing part and that you gave yourself permission to weep and feel your feelings honestly.
Sending love
Your friend
Tracie
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Thank you for your transparency. I have been living in this same spot much of the last year. Telling your story is redemptive. ..even if you don't feel it now. It's a coming! Love you!
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Thank you for “shoulding” on us…and I mean that! Hopefully the depth and width of your feelings lessened just a little in the sharing of them. I totally relate and not sure it could have been communicated more authentically. I know you are having a rough time, but I had to smile at how your writing is so beautiful, poetic and to the bone honest. Love you muy bueno!
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thankfully as we get older we can slow down and give ourself the permission to feel, and cry and KNOW that God is not bothered one bit by it and that we will be restored to our equilibrium in time, and be a richer more intuitive and real person having done so…. xxo hugs my dear friend..
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I have been thinking about these words all week (you know me it takes me weeks – years! – to process beauty) and I just keep coming back to how brave you are. And how thankful I am to know women who are willing to dig deep and let themselves take care of themselves when bleeding surfaces. You inspire me that I am worth doing that for, too. And I am listening and linking arms and saying if this beautiful woman can go here, so can I when I need to. Also, I know of no one who loves home like you do. And I think there is a whiff of pure redemption there. I think it's true to draw the connection between times of outer renovation mirroring inner work, but what I keep thinking about is the new home you are being given and what the new rest in you will look like, too. You will only be safer to others, a deeper enjoyer and that much more in tune with God's word. You'll be like those homes on HGTV that we all drool over, except in your spirit. I'm looking forward to your house warming party when you are ready, Megs, and I am carrying the anticipation of more beauty in you coming out even if you can't yet see it (I do.) I love you for all that you are and all that you choose to be, beautiful gift friend. I just adore you.
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