Is there sadness underneath all this ANGER and vice versa?
YES! yes. yes.
sadness and ANGER tussling, wrassling, vying for dominance.
ANGRYsadsadsad (dissolves into weeping.)
sadnessANGER! (escalates to YELLING!)
Believe it or not, they need each other; there is friendship between the two.
ANGER protects sadness.
sadness calms ANGER.
Both love at their core.
November 9, 2017
I glance in the mirror.
I like what I see.
I’m staring down fifty like a semi without any brakes.
I look this way and that, observing the years etched across my face.
Half Century looming…
Full life blooming.
I can’t look away.
The reflection knowingly smiles.
I grin back.
No rejection or disgust, a first.
Only acceptance and love; an honest appraisal.
A glance in the mirror.
I like who I see.
June 9, 2018
As I reflect on my year, I see many tendencies about myself I never saw before. It’s empowering and daunting all at the same time. One thing I never knew about myself is how I orbit others (classic codependent move, darling!) I wrote a poem last Fall about this tendency. I am finally feeling courageous enough to post it.
I’m now aware of your gravitational pull.
The power, the force, the electromagnetism blinded me for years.
Orbiting you, obliterating myself.
Me, hardly conscious.
We were happy!
Until I saw the truth.
I fought to free myself.
I disrupted the flow.
I asserted my power.
You pulled harder; I resisted.
I plummeted, seemingly out of control.
Painfully, I slipped out of orbit.
Free! I’m free!
Freedom is lightness, incredible lightness.
Written by Megan Burmester
September 6, 2017
Writing poetry became a surprising way for me to process the pain and wonder of recovery from codependency or as I like to say, the process of becoming myself. Lately, I haven’t felt very poetic at all. Recovery is hard work, plain and simple; most of the time, it’s one day at a freaking time. One step forward, two steps back. Keep coming back.
One wrong step; I’m falling, falling, flailing.
I land hard on the flinty surface, wind knocked out of me.
Bedrock beneath my broken body,
the lowest point…
Shaken, I survey my surroundings.
I sense a solidity, a sure foundation.
Bedrock upon which to build.
May 27, 2018
I’ve been off social media for quite awhile now. It’s soul care, plain and simple. The other thing that I’ve drifted from is photography. I can’t really explain why. Recently, I joined a photography seminar held on our campus. It sparked the love of photography again. I think what really struck me is the concept of communicating with integrity, dignity, and courage on social media, through photography.
Our first assignment is five self-portraits. Not just any self-portrait, a self-portrait that answers the question, Who am I? A self-portrait that can answer these questions: What do I like? What are my dreams? Who did God create me to be? What are the things that scare me? What is a challenge I am facing right now? What are my hobbies, passions, desires? These questions are so timely for me as I discover my brokenness, my codependency, my strength, my voice, my self.
Here are my five self-portraits:
I’m a writer
I’m a runner
I’m Megan, Megan Colleen, Megity Peg, Meg, Phlega, Megs, Meggers, Meggie, Nutmeg, Bagel, and Bun
I’ve been listening to an audio book by Russell Brand called Recovery. It’s effing brilliant and not only that, quite hilarious (has lots of F bombs). I recently heard a quote from him; it struck me to the core.
“The opposite of addiction is connection.“
As a codependent, my addiction is more subtle than drugs or alcohol but no less destructive. My addiction is people; my addiction is a love addiction. I have a love deficit! I try to heal this deficit through love from people. Addiction merely numbs (or masks) the love deficit or whatever pain I’m currently dealing with on a minutely/hourly/daily/weekly basis.
I try to avoid the pain by looking to other people for my value, worth and lovableness. Just so you know, this leads to more pain, not less. Instead, I’m learning to find my value, worth and lovableness from the Lord and from within. By connecting with the Lord at times when I feel shaky or uncertain or in pain, I can address the issue head on in a healthy way instead of trying to numb the pain. By reminding myself that I am indeed valuable, worthy and lovable, I connect with myself in a way I never have before. This leads to greater connection with others because my freaking love deficit/addiction isn’t getting in the way of true love and intimacy.
I’m grateful for those who have gone before me in recovery to lead the way to healthy, loving relationships. The journey is NO JOKE but entirely worth it because I am worth it. SO ARE YOU!
The Road may be smooth and easy to traverse; but often the terrain is rough, full of obstacles and effing painful. What I am learning right now is to keep moving forward, though I’m tempted to give up. One day at a time, towards health and wholeness. I love this line from the Serenity prayer, a prayer that’ s been my mantra these days: Accepting hardships as a pathway to peace. Oh yes.
Here’s the full version of the Serenity Prayer