Welcome to the I’m-going-through-hell-and-its-therapy-to-write-about-my-journey blog. There will be feelings galore, lots of therapeutic crap and such. Last week, I wrote about feeling stripped. What exactly is being stripped? Personally, I think it’s unhealthy beliefs attached to me. Beliefs I don’t even recognize but are so deeply ingrained, they are a part of me.
The idea of rest slapped me this week. Slapped me right in the cussing face.
There is a difference in resting your body and in resting your soul. Soul-rest is what I long for. I’ve tried to rest my body. I love napping. In fact, I power-nap every day. I’ve tried to incorporate Sabbath into my weekly schedule. But there is something opposing this. My belief system counters the idea of rest because if I rest, I am weak or I am letting someone down. I ran on this false belief for a long time and I am plum-tuckered out. It’s almost as if I have to keep giving out or ? What? I don’t know. I haven’t gotten there yet. But I know it is scary. I am going to find out what real soul rest is and I know it has to do with believing I am enough. Brené Brown writes “No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.”
Ours is not a culture of rest. Ours is not a culture of play. Ours is not a culture of finding life-giving activities. It’s a “get-er-done” culture. How’s that working for us? I thought I lived a life of rest and play and life-giving activities but in actuality, I’ve carefully built a facade because underlying are the messages screaming I am not enough. I am driven by a belief that I have to keep giving, working, pouring out, etc. It grieves me to write it but write it I must.
When what I “do” is stripped away, what is left? Who am I? What is my value? Do I believe I have value simply because of who I am or is it directly correlated to what I do? These are the questions haunting me right now and I am not sure I like the answers. I am in a time of “rest” and these thoughts are coming to the surface. It’s so effing cliche, I can hardly stand it. There is a huge part of me that is pissed off that I am feeling “burnt” out of ministry but another part of me is glad I am here before I become a 51/50.
This is part two in a three hundred sixty-seven part series on being stripped. Just kidding. Maybe. Thanks for reading along. Who knew blogging could be free therapy?
How do you fight against the ingrained false beliefs in your life?