Welcome to the I’m-going-through-hell-and-its-therapy-to-write-about-my-journey blog. There will be feelings galore, lots of therapeutic crap and such. Last week, I wrote about feeling stripped. What exactly is being stripped? Personally, I think it’s unhealthy beliefs attached to me. Beliefs I don’t even recognize but are so deeply ingrained, they are a part of me.
The idea of rest slapped me this week. Slapped me right in the cussing face.
There is a difference in resting your body and in resting your soul. Soul-rest is what I long for. I’ve tried to rest my body. I love napping. In fact, I power-nap every day. I’ve tried to incorporate Sabbath into my weekly schedule. But there is something opposing this. My belief system counters the idea of rest because if I rest, I am weak or I am letting someone down. I ran on this false belief for a long time and I am plum-tuckered out. It’s almost as if I have to keep giving out or ? What? I don’t know. I haven’t gotten there yet. But I know it is scary. I am going to find out what real soul rest is and I know it has to do with believing I am enough. Brené Brown writes “No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.”
Ours is not a culture of rest. Ours is not a culture of play. Ours is not a culture of finding life-giving activities. It’s a “get-er-done” culture. How’s that working for us? I thought I lived a life of rest and play and life-giving activities but in actuality, I’ve carefully built a facade because underlying are the messages screaming I am not enough. I am driven by a belief that I have to keep giving, working, pouring out, etc. It grieves me to write it but write it I must.
When what I “do” is stripped away, what is left? Who am I? What is my value? Do I believe I have value simply because of who I am or is it directly correlated to what I do? These are the questions haunting me right now and I am not sure I like the answers. I am in a time of “rest” and these thoughts are coming to the surface. It’s so effing cliche, I can hardly stand it. There is a huge part of me that is pissed off that I am feeling “burnt” out of ministry but another part of me is glad I am here before I become a 51/50.
This is part two in a three hundred sixty-seven part series on being stripped. Just kidding. Maybe. Thanks for reading along. Who knew blogging could be free therapy?
How do you fight against the ingrained false beliefs in your life?
meg on tap 
I try to ask curious questions about the thoughts in my head. All thoughts are welcome, but not all are true. Giving space to them, without judgement, helps me find the beneficial thoughts while disarming the hurtful ones. Love you and praying for this time and journey. Proud of your bravery.
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God is showing me this about myself, too! I always feel like I have to give “myself” to prove to others and “myself” and to God that I am enough, that I am selfless enough, that I don't think about my own needs. He is helping me set better boundaries for myself and overcome the guilt of saying no, or I have to go, or sorry I can't do that even though you are miserable and crying and need someone to talk to, I simply cannot give right now. I'm trusting that God is enough for other people. He doesn't need my help. He invites me to help in some situations but not as much as I think. I am not God. I am not a superhero. It's cool to see that God is teaching us the same thing!
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I like it, Staci. Thank you. Loe you.
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Thanks, Mel! I hear ya! I am right there with ya! 😉
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I had this epiphany about Brene's “you are enough” statement last year. I remember yelling out to God (and probably at others too near to me, too) that it just wasn't true! I WASN'T enough. I was constantly exhausted, worn out and just beat, dropping balls routinely. He said to me, Mish, I am more than enough and I am always in you. THAT is what is enough in you. – I don't know if that resonates, but it was such a huge relief to me. And it speaks volumes about who you are to us that love and admire you, too. You are so lavish with people around you, Megs. You carry the more-than-enoughness of Jesus around richly. I know that's not concrete, but it is concrete in your twinkle and sighs, your guacamole and sassiness, too. I love that it is becoming concrete in your self-care (loving yourself as you love others), too. YOU are so worth taking care of, beautiful woman. Because you carry this precious beauty in you that is worth nurturing and listening to. I love you. I wish that we were related so I could stalk you on holidays, too. (I'll end here before someone calls in special services.) Your fangirl
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Thanks for writing this post! I feel right with you in this right now…it is encouraging to know it is not a lone walk.
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