Thanks so much for all your kind comments on my last post. I loved hearing from you! About a month ago, Nigel and I were asked to lead a marriage course for the couples in the organization we work with. I guess after twenty years of marriage, we should know a thing or two about marriage, right?
 |
| On one of our good days… |
In light of the recent news about celebrity couples “consciously uncoupling”, I wanted to share a few thoughts about this wonderful, difficult subject. Am I the only one who thinks it’s a miracle that any couples make it? Before I got married, I had this wonderful idealistic view about marriage. I thought marriage was going to be as romantic and wonderful as A Room with a View. Then, the ceremony takes place and for awhile, it’s bliss (or for some, they wake up on their honeymoon thinking “what the hell did I just get myself into?”)
But the reality is that marriage is hard work. It’s hard CUSSING work. The very act of two people becoming one means SOMETHING HAS TO DIE OR GIVE WAY for the “oneness” to happen. Hopefully, someone won’t die in the process but one can never tell. *wink*
Marriage is hard but it is oh so worth it to “become one.” Becoming one does not mean one person loses their identity to the other, it means forming an identity together. Sticking it out in marriage most often means laying down your life for your spouse. Doesn’t that sound glamorous and romantic? No. Hell no. It sounds painful and ridiculous yet this is what we are called to in marriage. This is why we don’t see it modeled in the media and this is what is most difficult for me in my marriage. I don’t want to lay down my life for Nigel! I want him to do that for me, for sure! And I might be able to do it for a time but usually, it ends when I start thinking, “Hasn’t he NOTICED all I am doing for him???” Ahem, that’s not love, darling.
 |
| We actually were fighting yesterday over this marriage course… |
The best thing we can do for our kids is to love our spouses with a sacrificial, covenantal love. To die to our own desires and wants and needs. To put their desires, wants and needs ahead of our own. Oh, and if you think I am preaching? Ohhh, I am preaching. Preaching to the choir, friends. Can I get an amen?
One last thing. It is worth it to fight to stay married. It’s worth it to realize one day that “I’d rather fight with you than make love with anyone else!” -Nick Mercer, Wedding Date. I want to tell couples that might be struggling or tempted to “consciously uncouple”, don’t give up! Fight, make love, go to counseling, take a trip, tie yourself together and make it work! I want to add something here. I realize that some of you may have tried everything to make your marriage work and perhaps it didn’t. I am not naive. I get it. I have divorce in my own family story. It’s painful. My thought? In any relationship you are in, love with a sacrificial love. Towards your kids, your friends, your family, your students, your lover…just do it.
For couples that are thinking about marriage, ask yourself, “Am I willing to lay down my life for this person, over and over and over, for the rest of my life?” Sorry, but this is a real question that you will face each and every day of your blissfully married life. And it is worth it in the end. “This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends (spouse).” John 15:13
For couples that are thinking about marriage, ask yourself, “Am I willing to lay down my life for this person, over and over and over, for the rest of my life?” Sorry, but this is a real question that you will face each and every day of your blissfully married life. And it is worth it in the end. “This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends (spouse).” John 15:13
For marrieds, what is one thing you wish you knew about marriage before you were married?
For singles, what is one thing you’d want to know before getting married?
meg on tap 
I wish I knew it was going to take such courage. To be honest enough about yourself and allow someone to feel the full weight of yourself is brave. Also, to love someone with the sacrificial love you are talking about takes great bravery. I love that quote from The Wedding Date.
LikeLike
I'm just over here saying Amen sister! Great post. Work it is, we can't stop that working! And my favorite part of your post was and I quote “The best thing we can do for our kids is to love our spouses with a sacrificial, conventional love.” nailed it!
Much love,
Tracie
LikeLike
i wish i knew that i was going to mess up … and, shockingly often, and that he was going to, as well. and that with empathy, compassion, humility, there can be a path through any darkness. our last year has been testament to that. loved reading this, megan, thank you. xoxoxo
LikeLike
I hate this. And I love you for saying it. I wish someone had talked to me about the dying part. Because it's like living with chronic pain – you can't do it alone. I don't think we can die alone either. We need people to witness our death and endorse its value. To walk alongside us when it's a slow and painful death. Because mine has been. I suck at laying down my life. And the other thing is that you have to have a life to lay down. Dying to death just breeds pride.
Your biggest fan
PS I have to just add that reading your writing, Megs, makes me cry. You live this, sista. And it comes through. You have such a gift. (I'll keep saying that until it makes you puke, FYI.)
LikeLike
I love watching you and Andy do this every day!
LikeLike
Thank you, Tracie! I love seeing your love lived out daily too!
LikeLike
OH Erin, I hear you! I wish I would have known this too. And to be loved when you do mess up is the most amazing thing, isn't it?
LikeLike
This comment has been removed by the author.
LikeLike
Amazing Megan, love it and i say amen to you and to myself.
for me it is that you realize how selfish you are till you are married.
and my wife tells me “I love you but i don't have to like you right now”
but i would do it again.
LikeLike
MIsh, you are so precious. I thought of you and your book as I was writing this! I simply cannot wait to read it. I will post a review of it on my blog. 😉 I suck at laying down my life too. I love your words…”you have to have a life to lay down. Dying to death just breeds pride.” whoa. CANNOT WAIT TO READ THAT BOOK!!! 😉
Adoring you,
M
LikeLike
So true, Rolf! i love what Ila says because I have said that to Nigel many times. But it's true that we stick it out. Thank you for commenting!!!
LikeLike
Megan – this is beautiful! And you have been an actress – Toymaker!!!
LikeLike
Meg! How do you work through pasts, memories, family history, and stuff like that with your spouse
LikeLike
Or even going into marriage?
That is a whole blog within itself, eh?
LikeLike
Seriously. I feel like I will never be allowed to be married because I have to work through so much.
LikeLike
Thanks, Tone! Lots of love to you!
LikeLike
HI George, yes, that is a whole blog post in itself but honestly, I think that by continuing to walk with the Lord and pursuing wholeness through counseling (I went to a counselor for a time) and by making a conscious decision to continue to learn with Nigel how to have a happy, whole marriage and happy, whole family. WE make a lot of mistakes but we FORGIVE and we do not dwell on the past. We face it as it comes and work through it with each other…does that help?
LikeLike
Also, I always try and learn! I read books, I will listen and try and implement truths into my life. Cassie and George, you are NOT defined by your past…Choose to be defined by Jesus and let him heal and cleanse you! Nothing is impossible with God! Look at me, I never thought I would have a solid happy marriage! 😉 It's God!
LikeLike
Hey thank you! I love you! You're great. I am really inspired by the way God has worked through your life and your marriage! I am so blessed by you both!
LikeLike